To All of My Followers & Readers,

I’ve been asked a number of times to share a piece of me that is very personal. It’s not something I’m ashamed of or afraid of, but I’ve always feared crossing that invisible line that so often defines our personal lives vs. our work lives (or blog life in this case). After much thought and a lot of back and forth, I’ve decided to share this story in hopes that maybe it will help someone else. This is not a story for pity or for praise. This is simply a call out to anyone who’s reading, saying hey, I know what you’re going through and I can help if you need. That being said, as always, please reach out with any questions.

Since I can remember I have always been a very anxious person. I can even tell you the exact day, time and location of the first time I realized I had a genuine anxiety problem. If we are being honest, I was a very young 8 years old at the time. I’m not talking that every-now-and-then jitterish feeling we all seem to get. I mean real, scary, foggy anxiety that can turn your world upside down at any given moment. I can also remember living most of my young life without realizing I was suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Several years after my first encounter with anxiety, I was finally mature enough to realize the impact of the disorder, but I was not mature enough to face it. We all know that being a teenage girl comes with inevitable angst. I think at this stage in my life, I had dealt with what I knew as the cramping pit in my stomach and sleepless nights long enough, I surely could continue dealing with it without telling anyone. Little did I know that those close to me picked up on cues and signals that I may be struggling with something much bigger than I knew possible.

I remember one day in the car with my mom, driving through Lexington and running errands. I asked to roll down the window because I couldn’t catch my breath. For no reason in particular, I experienced my first of many panic attacks, right there on Nicholasville Road. It lasted only a few minutes, but it scared me to death. That day was kind of a turning point for me. It made me realize I wasn’t just a bitchy little teenager, I was a girl who needed someone or something to level me out. By that I mean, I needed a voice of reason other than that of my own to allow me to accept and handle what I was feeling properly.

I now introduce you to my favorite doctor in all the land, Dr. B. She was the first person, other than my mother, who I told about my experiences. I naturally teared up (I always cry) and I remember her looking at me saying “you are not alone.” Pass the tissues, because I am crying as I write this. Shit…

Dr. B. and I talked for a great length of time about Generalized Anxiety Disorder and how it really is something to take seriously. In my case, GAD was something that was most likely genetic but also very situational. It’s important to mention that often this disorder can stem from much more serious problems for some, and it can also lead to a number of depression related illnesses. In any case, whether mild or sever, it should be taken seriously. To get back on track, before I could even begin to wrap my head around everything she was saying, I reverted back to a saying that my grandmother has said all of my life, “you are made of tough stuff.” I knew in that tiny doctor’s office that I had to let down a wall I had built in defense for myself. I knew altering my life to manage this responsibly and assertively would take work, patience, strength and support. But I also knew that I could live a much better life if I simply tried and did as recommended.

Over the course of the next few years, I was off to college and doing life on my own. I sought the help of several anxiety therapists where I could talk out my days and hope for relief. Again with the honesty, but I hated it. I did not want to sit with someone who didn’t know me and expect her to know what I was talking about. Although at the end of every appointment I felt better, it was like forcing me to go to the gym. At this point I had started taking a low dosage anti-anxiety and depression medication. That mixed with the “occasional” college partying and a tough school schedule, I struggled. It was hard to focus, study, and live a steady and healthy life. Let me point out that I wasn’t a depressed, unhappy person, I just had some things I was dealing with internally.

By the time I turned 22, I was packing up my things in Bowling Green, Kentucky, to move home. I had graduated from college with honors, I had made the best of friends, I was eager to start working, and I was content in life. However, I was still on the same medicine, not feeling much different than I felt as a teenager. I knew I was moving home into an uneasy situation as my parents had divorced and we were planning to move from our childhood home into Lexington. I knew I either had to pull it together mentally and emotionally or I’d tailspin into a place that wasn’t exactly where I wanted or needed to be.

It was at this post-college point that I met with Dr. B. again and re-evaulated where I was at with my GAD. It was super important to me that I had a strong focus and drive to make this disorder something positive vs. dragging me down all the time. After much discussion, we decided to change my medication. With that comes a lot of ups and downs that I won’t go into, but finally after a few months I was back to the young woman I knew I was. I was ready to tackle the move with my mom, I was ready to tackle my first job, and I was ready to allow myself to live in the moment.

I won’t say that every day from then on was roses and butterflies. It was not easy. I remember a lady at one job I had after college saying, “you need to toughen up.” Although I cursed her under my breath in the bathroom on my lunch break, I thank her today for the first of many tough moments that pushed me in the right direction. I held a few jobs between 22 and 24 and was still trying to figure out who I was or who I was supposed to be professionally. That alone can cause anxiety… I’m just saying. After missing out on a job opportunity, I decided now is the time to take a leap.

I remember thinking, I am finally leveled out and I’m ready to take on some kind of challenge. Three months later, cue in New York City. Flying into the city of dreams I found myself panicking, asking my mom if we could turn this thing around. Thank God she looked at me and said, “let’s do this girl.” Eyes wide open to a whole new world, talk about facing your anxiety and giving it one big bitch slap. I was here to make a name for myself and only I could stand in my way.

Now after nearly three years, I’ve only almost packed my bags and given up a few times. I’ve had only a handful of panic attacks and anxiety episodes. I’ve trusted myself and I’ve worked so dang hard. Honestly, the challenge has been the best medicine for me. Although I am still on the same medication I started when I graduated college, I’ve learned how to deal with side effects and episodes like a boss. I attribute that to my circumstances. I am here in this big city, by myself. I am forced to be the tough-stuff woman I was raised to be. Now I know, that no matter where in this world I end up, I have the ability to change the path I am on. I can chose to let anxiety control me or I can stand up and put it in the past. I hope for my future that all of my days are faced with this strength. I will sure work my butt off to hold myself accountable.

If this is the first and only post of this nature, I hope you didn’t just find me rambling. I think if anything is to come of this, that you who suffer from anxiety realizes that it’s OK to seek help, it’s OK to ask for advice, it’s OK to talk to someone, it’s OK to take medicine, it’s OK to believe in yourself. So what you can’t up and move to New York to challenge yourself. Get up everyday and make it worth something. Your anxiety will take a backseat and you will shine my dear.

Until next time…

If you are interested in more information about Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I’ve found this site HERE very helpful. I always recommend speaking to your Primary Care Doctor as well!